


Dungeon Talk with Hennet

by Troacctid



Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game)
Genre: Bickering, Dungeons & Dragons Character Classes, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Interviews, Meta, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:55:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22332244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Troacctid/pseuds/Troacctid
Summary: Hennet, the iconic sorcerer from D&D 3.5e, hosts a talk show where he interviews his coworkers.
Relationships: Mialee (Dungeons & Dragons) & Hennet (Dungeons & Dragons)
Kudos: 1





	1. Sorcerer? I Barely Know 'Er! Featuring Mialee the Wizard

HENNET: Hey everyone, and welcome to my new talk show, "Sorcerer? I Barely Know 'Er!" The title is a work in progress, but the important thing is, it's me, Hennet, the iconic sorcerer from D&D 3rd Edition! That's right, we're here in front of a live studio audience, and we're gonna make some magic!

[Applause]

HENNET: Thank you, thank you, all right, calm down folks. Save some of it for this week's guest! That's right, our guest tonight is none other than...my spellbook-wielding counterpart, the iconic wizard, Mialee? She's our first guest, huh? Was she all we could get? But she's so...ugh, fine, whatever. Give it up for Mialee, everyone!

[MIALEE walks onstage, waving.]

[Applause]

HENNET: Thanks for coming tonight, Mialee.

MIALEE: Of course. I'm always happy to share my extensive arcane knowledge.

HENNET: And we're happy to have you! Let's dig right in, shall we? First question, what's your favorite spell? You have so many, after all. One might even say too many. Way more than you need.

MIALEE: Oh, I wouldn't say that. Every spell has its own niche application. A wizard's prerogative is to carefully peruse her spellbook and choose the perfect spell for every slot. In fact, I would say I treasure all of my spells equally, for even though some are more efficient than others, the true value is in having infinite arcane variety at my fingertips. That's why I always prepare a spreadsheet to sort and categorize all my spells by level, school, function, and average weighted probability of being useful in a typical adventuring day.

HENNET: How incredibly boring! Next question! Do you ever feel jealous that sorcerers get their magical powers with practically no effort required, while you had to study for years and years and constantly work hard to be a wizard?

MIALEE: Absolutely not. While sorcerers may not have to properly work for their magic as wizards do, we wizards make up for it by being better at magic. No offense, of course!

[HENNET grits teeth]

HENNET: None taken.

MIALEE: In magic, you get what you pay for, as I always say. Magic that comes easy is invariably less powerful than magic that you toil and study to earn. And that bears out in the mechanics—it's why I'm ranked in a higher tier than you are.

HENNET: I have better abs than you, though.

MIALEE: Do you? I couldn't tell under that ridiculous buckled cummerbund you always wear instead of a shirt. But if that is true, I still prefer phenomenal cosmic power to mere physical fitness.

HENNET: Next question, what is it like being such a complete nerd with no social life?

MIALEE: Oh, it's great! Charisma is by far the weakest stat in this edition, so being able to dump it feels wonderful. With Intelligence as my primary stat, I have more skill points to put into various Knowledge skills. For example, did you know that there's an evil sentient moon named Atropus that wanders through space, causing zombie apocalypses whenever it orbits a planet? What am I saying, of course you don't know, you don't have that knowledge skill on your class skill list, ha ha! Oh, and speaking of things you don't know, in your opening line, you probably meant to say "It is I," not "It is me." Grammar, Hennet.

[HENNET grits teeth even harder]

MIALEE: You shouldn't grind your teeth like that, you know. It's unhealthy.

HENNET: One last question! How much xp would you lose if I strangled your familiar right here on camera?

MIALEE: Don't be silly, Hennet! I don't have a familiar! I exchanged it for the immediate magic variant from Player's Handbook II. Are you just jealous that I'm superior to you in every way?

HENNET: She's like this all the time, folks!

[Laughter]

MIALEE: It's not my fault wizards are the most powerful class in the game.

HENNET: Ha ha! You don't know how badly I want to Scorching Ray your face right now!

MIALEE: This edition doesn't have called shots, so you can't target a particular part of someone's body with your spells. Also, it sounded like you pronounced that with capital letters. Spell names should be properly styled in _italics_. You do know how to write, don't you?

HENNET: [rolls up sleeves] Okay, that's it, we're going to commercial!

[Applause, camera fades out]


	2. Surprise Guest! Featuring Steve the Intern

[Fade in to a set that is only slightly on fire. HENNET is spraying a fire extinguisher on a fake houseplant.]

HENNET: Oh! Uh, we're back, haha! Wasn't that a great segment? We learned many things, including that Mialee is good at teleporting away from fights, and that our insurance _technically_ covers fire damage as long as you were trying to light a _person_ on fire and only hit the building by _accident_. So, anyway, our guest tonight bailed on account of she's a wuss, but you're all in for a treat, because our OTHER guest tonight, who was definitely planned and not at all roped in at the last minute, is...our unpaid intern! I don't know his name, but he brings me coffee! Give it up for Whatsisface!

[Applause]

STEVE: Hi. It's, uh, it's actually Steve.

HENNET: Great to meet you...uh...I want to say Stan? Sorry, I already forgot who you are.

STEVE: Do I get extra college credits for being on camera?

HENNET: Kid, college is for suckers. Do what I did: drop out of school, get a job being professionally handsome, and use your amazing inherited magical powers to support yourself.

[STEVE takes notes]

HENNET: So, what class do you represent?

STEVE: Well, uh, I'm a commoner, so that's cool, I guess, and I'm hoping to multiclass into expert sometime in the next four years? You know, just, like, upward mobility and all that.

HENNET: From the worst class in the game to the second or third worst class in the game? Where's your ambition, Jason?

STEVE: It's Steve.

HENNET: Your ambition is Steve? Come on, man, that doesn't even make sense.

[Laughter]

STEVE: I do have hopes and dreams just like anyone else. Like, someday I would love to take ranks in Animal Handling so I could own a cat. That's really my biggest life goal, y'know? But my dad says Animal Handling is a loser's skill, so I'm majoring in Profession (accountant) instead.

[As STEVE talks, the camera slowly pans away from him to focus on HENNET, who is picking his nose]

STEVE: It's just that, like, as an unskilled hireling laborer, I feel like I don't even exist unless PCs pay attention to me? And even then, they don't care about my backstory or personality, it's just, "Hey guy, carry this loot," or "Hey guy, watch the horses," you know?

[Camera pans back]

HENNET: Fascinating, fascinating, I'm definitely paying attention.

STEVE: Thank you! It's honestly really great to have a chance to talk about this with you, Hennet. You're the first PC who has ever given me the time of day and I feel like my life suddenly has, like, meaning. But wait, is that unhealthy? Should I be measuring my worth based on the attention of fickle adventurers who don't even remember my name? Oh, I have so much to think about now!

HENNET: Yup, that's me, remembering your name. It was Todd, right? I want to say Todd.

STEVE: Heh. Gotta hand it to you, Hennet, you are committed to that bit! I mean, I'm even wearing a nametag!

HENNET: Hey, can you do that chicken thing?

STEVE: What chicken thing?

HENNET: You know, the thing where you pull a chicken out of your pants. Aren't commoners supposed to be able to pull chickens out of their pants?

[Laughter]

STEVE: That's a stereotype! And it's no laughing matter. The "chicken thing" is a symptom of a very serious, life-threatening condition that affects one in eleven commoners. My sister has it and it's rough for her, man.

HENNET: Aw jeez, I'm sorry, I didn't know.

STEVE: Chicken infestation is not a party trick.

HENNET: Maybe this is a good time to reveal the special surprise gift we prepared for our guest tonight!

[Applause]

HENNET: Bring in the surprise, guys!

[Another stagehand runs in, hands HENNET a scroll, and runs out again]

STEVE: Is that a scroll of a wizard spell?

HENNET: This extremely wizard-specific gift is appropriate for a non-wizard for reasons that definitely exist!

STEVE: So... I need a cross-class DC 21 Spellcraft check to decipher this, followed by DC 21 Use Magic Device check to activate it, and if I fail, it will explode and kill me?

HENNET: Okay, even I can't spin this one. Yeah, this is clearly for Mialee.

[Tears stream down STEVE's face]

STEVE: Don't you see? This scroll is worth 12.5 gold pieces. That's more money than I've ever had in my life. With this, I can pay off my student loans _and_ my sister's medical debt. You've changed my life! Thank you! Thank you so much!

HENNET: Let's get a big hand for Todd and for my incredible generosity!

[Applause, cheers]

HENNET: That's our show for tonight, but join us next week when we'll answer the age-old question, "Who will be on Hennet's amazing talk show next week?"

[Camera fades out]


End file.
